I don't want to see you anymore. I'm just not that strong.

iwaitedforyou @ 2008-03-27T13:41:00

2008-03-27T20:44:42Z

Last Friday night Teat and I were riding the trolley and at one stop this heavyset man with a hardhat fastened to his backpack sat down across from us. Then a middle-aged woman came up next to him and asked, “May I?” and he made some chivalrous remark and scooted over towards the window so she could sit down. She was drinking out of a plastic cup with a lid on it, like one of those souvenir cups they give kids at restaurants. After a few seconds, she said to me, “I just saw something on you that tells me you’re gonna be in control in your relationships. You’re a strong woman, and there might be some men that hurt you, and you might not die with a man by your side, but you’ll always overcome it and you’ll be in control.”

She then added some other predictions; the only one I can remember is that I would be a good grandmother. The man next to her was rolling his eyes at this point, and a woman across the aisle from us pointed to her teenage daughter and asked if the lady who read me could do the same for her daughter. The woman said she couldn’t read everyone, but she had just noticed something about me that she knew to interpret this way. After the man with the hardhat got off the trolley in a huff, the woman across from me said, “Now I can tell you what it is… your second toe is longer than your first.”

She said a wise old woman taught her that a long second toe symbolized a woman of control and independence. It’s so weird that I cross paths with a stranger who shares something like that with me given what’s going on in my life right now. Shit’s hurting, but I made a decision because I know where I’m at and what I need. I took control, and I don’t think I’ve given myself enough credit for that. Still, maintaining that control is what’s most difficult. Remembering why I made that decision and not faltering. This might mean being alone, but it means integrity.

And I wanna get back to that place.

iwaitedforyou @ 2007-11-14T23:14:00

2007-11-15T07:14:46Z

"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen."

Usually when things has gone this far, people tend to disappear...

2007-09-12T07:44:51Z

...no one would surprise me unless you do.

My entry from March 19, 2006 reads, "I want out of here SO badly." Ironic... cause I've been home for three months and I don't want it to end. I know when I move back to school and everything starts up again I'll get real busy and, periodically, extremely stressed... but I'll enjoy myself. I hoped this summer would be a lot of things for me... but it turned out to be so much more. Earlier this evening, I was pessimistic about summer's end... but I think it's going to be the start of something... something new... for all of us.

iwaitedforyou @ 2007-06-20T23:57:00

2007-06-21T06:58:36Z

Why aren't you here to remind me that I'm better than this?

Summer Goal #2

2007-05-15T04:42:44Z

Sell all my coursebooks online for more than the bookstore will give me for them.

Summer Goal #1

2007-05-09T07:21:44Z

Re-start and finish Invisible Monsters. :)

iwaitedforyou @ 2007-04-20T02:16:00

2007-04-20T09:42:17Z

I want so badly to cry... but the tears won't come.

And to write... but the words won't come.

Apathy has overtaken me.

Everything changed and now I can barely recognize myself.

Oddly enough, I'm sort of content.

Inside her... there's longing... this girl's an open page.

2007-03-24T05:15:52Z

Wow.

I used to have so much to say. Not so anymore, I guess.

I finished my second quarter at UCI yesterday. Things have been going relatively well. I'm kinda in this state where I can't complain about anything and I'm just waiting for someone to rain on my parade. For some development to surface that'll remind me what angst feels like. As much as it's nice to be complacent, part of me would like an interruption... something to make me angry or sad or... I don't know... confused.

I like complication. I need something to over think.

iwaitedforyou @ 2007-01-21T01:22:00

2007-01-21T09:25:44Z

"We'll work as a team to stay happy forever."

So I realized something(s).

2007-01-12T03:02:05Z

I realized that if I really want to go somewhere with these journalistic aspirations, I have to start writing. For the newspaper, for on-campus magazines and stuff like that. Any decent internship is definitely going to ask that I have some stuff published. Scholarships, too. And the more I write, the more I (hopefully) get stuff published, and the more I have to choose from when applying for said internships and scholarships. I know it's only the first week of my second quarter of my first year, but I gotta be proactive. For reals.

Kid I'm right here.
And I'm not leaving.
And there's no way to make you stay.
But I'm saving all my worries for the day you don't need me.

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-12-14T10:33:00

2006-12-14T17:33:08Z

I'm ready, I'm ready to drop

Who am I? Seriously. And when did I become this person? I used to be SO independent, and now I can't stand being alone. I had so many dreams for the future, I was so headstrong and self-assured, and now I have no idea what I want. I was waiting. And that was okay.

Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop, I'm ready so don't stop

But I guess when something you've never experienced comes knocking at your door and everyone around you is saying, "Answer it, go for it...", and that girl you used to be is flattered because she was never pursued that way... I guess then your mind just makes the person you're with seem right. Or maybe not. Because I'm not sure I ever felt "right". But I felt something. Obviously.

Keep pushing

And I just want it to be over. I just want to wake up and realize I'm still the girl immersed in her textbooks, still the girl who writes sappy stories for her girlfriends about their weddings to grade school crushes, still the girl who wholeheartedly believes she's going to be a successful news anchor and novelist in NYC no matter what it takes, still the girl who'll not settle...

I'm ready to fall, oh, I'm ready

Eventually you've got to grow up though, right? "Be an adult." Live. And in doing so, fall. Bruise. Learn. Sacrifice. Hurt. Mistake. Cry. Change. Decide. Grow. Hold on to those memories, but at the same time let go.

I'm ready so don't call
I'm ready so don't call

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-11-07T14:23:00

2006-11-07T21:23:29Z

"It's hard to see the future with tears in your eyes."

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-10-06T15:54:00

2006-10-06T23:02:35Z

So here's the deal. I need a new AIM screen name. I'm tired of LandiDaLobster. I was thinking "A Jayne" maybe. Whatcha think? Or maybe something with A and Jayne and something else in it. Like... I don't know. Ideas?

PS- Serious update about life here at UCI is coming soon.

PPS- I want to get a tat. Serious.

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-09-23T01:19:00

2006-09-23T08:19:38Z

So I'm a college student.

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-08-17T20:21:00

2006-08-18T05:17:22Z

Tomorrow = the Augustana show at the House of Blues Downtown. I'm borderline stoked for it. I saw them (briefly) with Arianna when they opened for the Goo Goo Dolls/Counting Crows at the end of June. I got a copy of their CD and pretty much fell in love with it. I'm also excited because concerts have a tendency to remind me that it would be a completely amazing experience to date/marry/have a relationship with a musician. I don't think I'd like to be a musician... but to be involved with one... to observe him and his words and life and complexities. His mystery. I'm sure I'd thoroughly enjoy that. Until I woke up.

I haven't been doing much this summer... working Monday through Friday, finding something to pass the time on Saturday, and laying around on Sunday.

I got my iPod nano yesterday and my MacBook should arrive around Wednesday. The iPod seriously kicks. I decided that Hanson deserved the honor of being the first band whose music gets put on the iPod. I imported this live CD of theirs that I've had since like 1998 that has a ton of scratches and only a few songs that play in my CD player without skipping... and when I clicked on the messed up songs in my iPod, they played perfectly. Freaking genius, I tell you. Then when I was finished with all the Hanson, I downloaded Justin Timberlake's new song "SexyBack" and danced around with my iPod in my living room at like two o'clock in the morning. It was swell.

In other news, I hate dirty old men. Older men I can stand. In fact, the majority of older men that I have come across are quite cheerful and friendly in a father figure sort of way. From time to time I'll even see an attractive older man, i.e. Johnny Depp, but in regular person form. And then there are dirty old men. Creeps, if you will. Audacious in such a perverse way. I can't deal with them and I shouldn't have to. I'm not going to get into the deets of this one, but I just wanted to express my contempt for skeezbags.

I will be moving up to Irvine in exactly one month (either the 16th or 17th of September). Classes start September 22nd. I'm going to be taking Humanities Core and a Women's Studies class entitled "Gender & Feminism" my first quarter. I've decided that I will either minor or double-major in Women's Studies. I mean... if I like this introductory class, of course.

So... no, I wasn't admitted from Barnard's waiting list, unfortunately. Not like many were asking... but... I guess everything happens for a reason. If I don't feel like UCI is the place for me after spending a year there, I suppose I'll attempt to transfer... and maybe apply to more than one school. I kind of regret only applying to four schools (two of them being extremely competitive, expensive, prestigious, and located on the East Coast). But hey, UC Irvine is a fine school. And, thankfully, a two hour drive away from a lot of unnecessary bullshit.

PS- I started to write out an intense description of the Goo Goo Dolls/Counting Crows concert over a month ago and never finished. Basically the only thing I really remember is that these people in one section were smoking pot and everyone there could smell it, so the lead singer of the GGD was like, "Man, I can smell that weed from here." And then he goes, "I can't smoke weed. Otherwise I'd just eat my shoe and fall asleep." That was like really funny to me, for some reason. I laughed at it for a good 10 minutes afterward. :]

I don't know.

Olivier

2006-07-14T23:53:03Z

"Love is based on imagination..."

"It's not only imagination, it's the distortion of the vision. You suddenly think, this person is idealistic, this person is strong, this person has dreams, when you know better most of the time. You put what you want to see on people. But I like that. I don't want to dig in the truth all of the time. Let me dream."

...it's just hard to look at all the seasons pass me over, too.

2006-07-09T19:51:36Z

I've had this journal for almost two years. I think at the end of the summer I'm going to start a new one. Or just let this one sit here untouched in all it's glory, collecting e-dust. ;D

Honestly I'm no longer the person that the entries archived here depict. I wish I was. I used to be. If I knew how to go back to the place I was in I would run as far away from where I am now as I could. But here I am.

I went to prom. I graduated. I might post pictures when I have the energy. I love you all.

I do.

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-06-26T12:43:00

2006-06-26T19:51:00Z

I will hear from Barnard by the second week of July. Gah, I want it so bad.

I'm thinking that from now until the end of the summer I'm just going to focus on preparing for college, applying for scholarships, and saving money. Oh, and saying goodbye. But there are really very few people I care to say goodbye to.

...she does not walk she runs instead...

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-05-29T09:22:00

2006-05-29T17:46:29Z

I'm at work right now. It's really cold and I'm by myself in the office today and nothing is happening since it's a holiday.

I've been spending way too much money lately. $65 for these shoes I couldn't live without at Robinsons May. But I should get some good use out of them because I'm going to wear them for prom and graduation and a lot of other stuff; they're gorgeous. $25 for a dress for graduation day at this place in PB. It's pretty hottie. $75 for a terrible dye job at Fantastic Sams. The lady was really sweet, but I'm never going there again. Like $10 for the dye that Teat used to fix the terrible dye job. My hair looks pretty decent now, although this skeez that works in the kitchen just asked me, "What happened to your hair?" Anyway, that's almost $200 right there. Pretty much the equivalent of two paychecks. Plus I spend my money on eating out or doing something with the peeps at least once a weekend. I'm going to have to cut back there. I wish I could stop completely and just pay for like gas and the necessities, but I still have to buy my prom bid and John's boutonniere and pay for my hair and nail appointments. At least another $200. Ugh.

I went to traffic school Saturday because of my speeding ticket. Yes, I am a fabulous driver. Failed my license test the first time and got a speeding ticket after a little over a year. Traffic school wasn't as lame as I thought it would be, though. We went around the room sharing our interests and how we violated traffic laws for two hours. And there were a few cute boys... like this one who was Portugese and spoke very little English but had very superb fashion sense... and this other one with Jesus tattooed on his arm. Overall the experience was quite educational. I decided that I'm never in my life going to drink and drive. And you shouldn't either.

High school will be over in exactly 11 days, and there are actually only 7 real school days left. Supposedly Cisco the super genius built our group a trebuchet for the Physics launcher lab, our final, and so we won't have much to do by way of excruciatingly confusing work this week. But we shall see. We AP Spaniards did our rendition of "El Mago de Oz" on Friday, most everyone made it such a fun day, but there was one select person I could have done without. I messed up my lines twice---once I blanked and said "hold on" to the audience, walked to the side of the stage where like 3 people read me my line, and went back and did it. LOSER. Yeah. Nothing much is happening in any other classes, besides Trent Butler's becoming infamous for running through the halls pumping his arm and screaming "bLoOdY mUrDeR" every morning during English last week. Good times.

I don't really want to go to UCI in the fall. Barnard IS admitting from the waitlist this year, but that doesn't mean that I'll get in or that they'll give me the financial aid it will require for me to attend. I will find out by "early to mid June", and then my location for at least the next year will be decided. Someone once told me, "I really believe you get into the right place for you. So don't get discouraged!" I'm trying not to.

On a different note, I'm getting really fat from sitting at school and work all day and going out to eat all the time. I want to start swimming again. I need a gym membership or some shit like that.

Oh, and did I tell you? American Idol kicked ass this year. The finale Wednesday was off the hizzy (besides Katharine singing with Meatloaf, who was shaking intensly---that performance was like something out of Beauty and the Beast). Taylor Hicks deserved the victory simply because Katharine was a fake snoot with an obnoxious stage mom and a lack of consistency. It was nice seeing Constantine in the audience on Tuesday and some Ace Young on Wednesday. Plus I love Elliot, his mom, Chris, Paris, hell even Buckey and Kevin---all of them. Really. They're coming to the Sports Arena in August and I want to go BAD. I think it's sold out, though. I know, I'm a nerd.

See LJ, I still love you. MySpace is overrated. I want more people to have LJs. But I guess not everyone has time to write out a thorough description of their oh-so expensive, indecisive, gluttonous, television-centered life.

Oh, and I just started liking country music. Keith Urban? Mmm. Rascal Flatts? Brilliant. Carrie Underwood? Didn't like her at first... but she's pretty down.

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-05-11T23:01:00

2006-05-12T06:03:11Z

I went to Tijuana yesterday.

And then Chris got voted off. Chh.

Lately

2006-04-06T01:02:41Z

The anxiety of recieving acceptance/rejection notification from colleges is pseudo-over. UC Irvine sent an acceptance package while I was in Maui with Teat and Al and the Dancan family. Then UCLA sent a rejection, which was presumed. NYU sent a rejection from their College of Arts and Sciences along with an acceptance to their General Studies Program, which I'm not entirely sure about. Then, last and most importantly, came Barnard's reply. My mom called me at work to tell me it had arrived. I asked her if it was a big envelope or a small one. She said small. The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: "I didn't get in."
Her: "Do you want me to open it?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "I don't want you to start crying at work."
Me: "I won't."

So she read it. And I was wait-listed. And now all I can do is wait and hope that some of those admitted decide to attend college elsewhere. I won't find out if I've been admitted off of the wait list until June or the end of May. Talk about ridding me of anxiety, eh?

iwaitedforyou @ 2006-03-19T16:17:00

2006-03-20T00:18:16Z

I want out of here SO badly.

Winter Break.

2006-01-07T21:01:54Z

I'm pretty bummed that it's over. I should be studying for finals right now. Esp. Physics. And we have this group project in Econ that's not going to be that fun. I'm not really into working in groups.

My mom is all worried because we submitted the FAFSA and it said that my expected family contribution is $10,000 per semester. I think it's per semester. But yeah, my parents can't give me that much. So... I don't really know what is going to happen. But I hope I'm able to afford at least one of the places I applied to. It would freaking suck a lot if I couldn't go to any of them. I'm hoping everything works out.

Anyway, here are some pictures from my excursions.

From certain angles my teeth look really jacked up.

R.I.P. Fabulous Sunglasses

Maybe I should sport the heenie more often.

My dad loves Christmas time.

Mom is a lover. <3

The proud father.

My brother entertains himself with my grandpa's wheelchair.

Bro with the cousins.

I told you, my dad loves Christmas time. A lot.

A digital camera is just what I needed for those long rides to Orange County.

Dusty the Dino.

The makings of our feast.

Rain.

J-Dizz and Al love Taylor's hats.

I need an eyebrow waxing.

Mama Teat enjoys some silent reading time.

Okay. Have a lovely weekend, all.

I want to learn to C-walk. ;)

2005-12-26T08:08:27Z

Merry Christmas, all. Happy Hannukah, lovers. ♥

- No iPoddy.
+ Digi cam from the parentals.
+ I have the day off tomorrow.
- I'm setting (most) of it aside to write the short answers for my Barnard/NYU supplements.
+ Hopefully I will do something fun when I finish.
+/- I'm like really into Bow Weezy.
- I've become lax in quite a few areas recently.
+ I'm having fun.
+/-/? I want to go to NYC. Badly.

iwaitedforyou @ 2005-12-08T16:08:00

2005-12-09T00:45:51Z

Taken the ACT, SAT and SAT 2s? Check.

Completed and submitted the UC application? Check.

Lined up teachers to write letters of recommendation? Check.

Ready to get out of here?

Check.